Currently Listening Hot Fuss By The Killers All These Things That I've Done see related

I've Got Soul but I'm Not a Soldier

            I didn’t know how to start this blog or what I even wanted to write about. I just knew that I wanted to write something.  I think it’s just that I wanted to empty my head before I headed back to school so I start with a clean slate mentally.  So far I suppose this break has being a success. I didn’t have any major fights with the parents and I think our relationship actually improved. Chris and I survived and actually so far this week has being going pretty well. We’re going to Ireland together in May!  

            In some ways I really think it’s time for me to head back to school.   I feel like I’ve done what I need to here and it’s time for me to go back.  I cannot wait to start my psychology classes in the spring.  It’s exciting to study “fuzzy people feelings” as Chris calls it.  It’s nice to feel that stuff is finally in place going back to campus.  As compared to last year when I was down and out coming off a poor winter break I feel quite refreshed. 

            I’ve never being so excited about dating someone before. Chris and I are about to celebrate our six month anniversary and I couldn’t be happier.  I’ve never being in a relationship for this long before and it’s very exciting.  I care about him so much.  Oh honey I’m happy for us and I want to snuggle you right now. Hehe <pi3 my panda.  He’s so cute and he gave me a nice little pre-anniversary gift and it’s next to my bed right now. Oh I’m babbling uselessly right now but it’s ok.   He framed that picture for me and it makes me smile.   It's next to my bed so I can look at it before sleep.

            Right now I look at next semester as a fresh start. I’m over in Tabler with a chance to start myself independent of the past. The only things I’m carrying over are Chris and a few old friends.  I guess I’m just saying that I can’t wait to be back at school where I can be comfortable in my own skin. <panda3

Currently Listening Make Yourself By Incubus Make Yourself see related

This is a reprint of my myspace blog. I felt like posting it as a proper close to this xanga.  If you want more go to: http://www.myspace.com/9070718 that is my myspace and new blog home

Warning: This is my blog that is representative of my personal thoughts and feelings. If you don’t think you’re too high on my list of people I <3 right now-this may not be the blog for you. If you don’t go to stony-you’ll be amused. If you do go to stony and live outside Whitman-you may just laugh or set the dorm on fire. Fire= Bad (except for the Bio 201 lab manual at the end of the semester-that is glorious) If you’re reading this because you hate me and you’re connected to this affair-knock yourself out. I’m not going to object-why bother you’re probably not worth my time or energy. Have a great read and have a good day tomorrow!

And the band played on…with me frolicking on street corners with Chris

So seemingly I’m meant to be a repentant depressed sinner at present. I refuse to apologize for the good that I’m experiencing right now. Chris has treated me the best any boyfriend has. And as much as some claim that he was a “dick” in his actions, neither he nor I did anything illicit. However, I refuse to defend our relationship. It can and has stood on it’s own multiple times over due to the tests it was put through in Whitman. Due to the time and energy we both invest in it that relationship is strong and your attempts to break it failed-it became stronger. And when all was bad over there it was one of the few bright spots in my life. Thank you to him for putting up with the abuse, icy treatment, and facing far to much scrutiny and maltreatment that no one deserves let alone him.  <hugs Chris>

Anyway back to what I was actually writing about. Right the complete disrespect and maltreatment and abuse I went through. Thank you for that by the way. I mean not only was I going through personal difficulties- my mom had to undergo surgery in the start of September. But I got to be driven out of my dorm by a pile of petty materialistic bitches and their groupies. I mean now that is just wonderful and fun. That’s not even the issue though-it should have never come to this. I did not intend to hurt anyone and feel that my actions-while maybe not perfectly ideal for all parties involved-they were acceptable and understood. The abuse doled out on me told me a different story.

I stole no one’s boyfriend-instead that WISE clique stole this as the opportunity to cause me to make my final split with the program. I did not do anything to these girls except express my personality and show uniqueness. I have always being different and will continue to be. That is what makes me distinct and allows me to become who I am in life. I stand by my personal character and it need not be assailed.

I came into WISE in August 2004 with 34 girls. After freshman year there were around 31. I was not close friends with more than a few; however, the level of duplicity and ruthlessness demonstrated is astounding. The fact that these girls want to be the future healers and healthcare practitioners disturbs me. They were callously able to participate in or silently approve abuse. Oh yes, to that group of girls and guys who were involved- you are abusers. You not only attempted to emotionally both Chris and myself; however, you also participated in or supported the attempted vandalism of my property, verbal assault and general psychological/emotional abuse. I was forced to at one point obtain a no contact order against one girl. For those who don’t know-that is an on-campus restraining order. Things should never reach that level. If you have a problem with me-tell me don’t go trying to destroy my life. That angers me. But you know what I handled it well. I didn’t get mad-hell I didn’t even retaliate against the girl who nearly threw water on my laptop and desktop. Instead I had to leave the few people I still liked and be moved into a new environment out of fear that I may be physically assaulted or harassed to such a degree that I would be unable to live a normal life without fear.

The fact that I had to avoid walking to visit friends and had to resign from my position on an Executive Board over this is unacceptable. I was willing to talk right up until about 5 days before I left. Then I got completely fucked over and basically decided to throw the towel in-then and only then did I contact Campus Residences for an emergency room change due to the degree of suffering that was occurring.  Congratulations to you all- I was depressed. You wouldn’t be if almost all your friends backstab you.

Amy-I trusted you. What jealousy and unhappiness must be present in your life. I trusted you and underneath all that bitterness I thought I saw a decent human being. I was wrong. No one is a good person if they’re willing to dump a friend for a bed warmer. On top of that-your willingness to backstab your friends like Krystal and Heather behind their backs that is despicable. If you don’t like them (i.e. Heather’s “sluttiness” as you referred to it then tell the girl or Maria’s naïve romantic look at love and life or Krystal’s desire to be appreciated and loved) well then tell them. To be as duplicitous as you-that means you don’t have a soul. You cannot possibly have a moral conscience either. That is sad because you will never be happy in your life and for that I pity you. I don’t hate you-as I said that day. If I hated you it would mean I care-and icy apathy is far worse than hate.

Krystal- I was naïve enough to think that as my roommate you would support me and stand by me. I was deadly wrong. You instead fucked me over in multiple ways that I cannot even begin to describe. Out of those who constantly judged you I was the one who picked up the damn pieces for you. I got you that dorm room and wanted to help you get your life in order. I really thought you were a good person and wanted you to do well-after all you’d been through I believed that you deserved some good in your life. Your betrayal was hard for me. How could it not be-I spent hours fighting for that room and for you, listening to your tears and telling you that it was fixable. The callous nature with which you threw that away is shocking, especially for someone who is a psychology major. I never wanted to put you in the middle-you knew that we talked about it. I don’t care if you were in an “uncomfortable” position. For one moment you should have come outside your bubble and thought about what I and Chris were going through.

Heather-I wasn’t sure originally if I should even mention you in here. Out of everyone who was actively involved in this debacle you were the only one who I saw as even having the right to be upset. However, your actions and those of your friends were disgusting. The way in which you tried to emotionally manipulate Chris-who you claim to love is disgusting. If you love someone you could never do that. I love Chris and guess what he loves me back. I could never put him through the hell that you put him through. He supported me and shared that burden with me-how dare you. I am far more mad for him than I am about your treatment of me. Ex-girlfriends are allowed to dislike the current girlfriend-that is a “female” thing and something I comprehend. However, you took it to an extreme. I understood if you didn’t want to associate with me and I really tried to be considerate and avoid contact with you. That seemed logical to me. Even when you showed up at 4 am and started to throw up in my common room from emotional distress I cared for you. That is the essence of me-treat others how you would want to be treated if you were in their position. Yeah that’s cliché and I sound naïve-it’s better than living my life jaded and pissed off at the world.

I know that most of these people won’t even read this. But they know what they did was wrong. I realize that I got screwed over-but you all underestimate me. I am a survivor and have survived people far bigger and tougher than any and all of you. You underestimated the way in which I have friends outside of “WISE” oh yes shocking I know. I really have to send out memos on how to destroy my life next time someone tries. I usually rise from that destruction with a better perspective on life and tend to be better in the long run. So you know what 10 years down the road I’ll thank you all for destroying everything I have worked hard to accomplish. However, you all failed. I still have those that matter most to me-my family, my friends, academics, clubs, and research. So I don’t know what to say except that you should feel guilt for attacking two innocent people. I pity all of you. The way in which you say:
a WISE girl kisses- but doesn't love, listens- but doesn't believe, and leaves- before she is left
That is disturbing and tragic. The fact that you can’t feel the capacity for love in your lives-that is something I pity. For even with the pain that love can bring-that is not comparable to the happiness. I pity you all and I hope you figure yourselves out, otherwise lives are a tragic gift to waste that pass far to quickly.

~Jen

            So I sit here again with fall semester bearing upon us once again wondering and confused, as well as cursing Windows Updates since I cannot get on the internet right now (I’m writing this in Word and then uploading it in computer lab).

            Looking back on this summer I feel that I have finally matured into some form of a semi-functional adult. A lot of people say that this occurs upon move in to college; however, I think for me that instead I underwent transplantation from home last year, and emotional maturation this past spring and summer semesters. I look at the person who was entering 9^th grade in fall 2000 and I realize I do not know her anymore. Instead, when I look at the mirror I realize just how different a person I am than I was even one year ago. It’s interesting how getting burned continuously educates us quickly.

            At present I don’t know who I am and this is common I know. Yes there are bright spots in my life and for those I am grateful-I feel cared about by good people and feel appreciated and supported. This is something I haven’t truly had before and I know in good time it will be fine. A new found optimism is embracing my soul, which is startling for me; traditionally I tell others to retain hope while I was a true pessimist.  However, I don’t know I feel good about this coming fall even though it will be hard work I feel that things will work out.

            Yet, with all this new found optimism my old fears still lurk beneath the surface. I just want to be free of my feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. It’s what kills the very joy from what I have achieved-I never feel it is enough. For example, I was proud and happy that I worked in a lab all summer- Hooray! Center for Infectious Diseases and it is a great experience. However, my experiment has been failing-damn operons trying to mess with my head and not ligate properly. But my newfound optimism brushed this off and allowed me to remain satisfied with doing the work and learn just how frustrating research can be. Yet when I go home my parents called the three months of work useless and essentially called me a failure since the experiment didn’t work. My father accused me of wasting his money for summer housing and how I better be trying my hardest and how it must be my fault that these things didn’t work. That’s unfair and I cried in my room after. I went from feeling good about myself and very at peace right back to that insecure fourteen year old that I believed to have banished.

            So yes it was a rough weekend as statements like that ruled the roost. I want to feel happy and secure all the time, and I do I would say 95% of the time I am at school. However, as soon as I leave the little bubble that is Stony Brook University I become as defenseless as a lamb to my parents. All the tough skin that I worked so hard to cultivate falls prey to their snide remarks and orders. I hate being weak and vulnerable-I am a strong independent woman who should be able to let things roll off her back and be secure enough in her person to not be shaken by a parents cutting comment.

            Right now I know what I need and what I must do as well as who I am to some degree. I am a daughter, a friend, a confident, a partner in idiocy, a hug-buddy, a nerd, a sister, a researcher, a little biochemist, a stubborn fool, a comic, a mischievous person that like to get into idiotic scrapes, a fencer, a healer and above all I am an independent woman who makes her choices in life and stands by them no matter what. What do I need right now? I need support I guess and love of friends. At times during the summer I have felt very lonely out here at school. Yes I had a few good friends, but for the most part I showed up on day 1 knowing three WISE girls who I barely consider acquaintances and a guy who became an ex quickly. So how far have I progressed from there? I suppose we’ll see in the fall when I move back into the Whitman community and my friends. To those who listen to me bitch, whine, cry and ponder even when you desperately need to do something else (i.e. sleep) I appreciate it beyond what you can believe.

            Hmm I am getting upbeat again-yes that was the purpose of writing this entire xanga entry (I hope it would serve as a catharsis for my emotions). I feel like I should import words of wisdom or some such but I don’t know what to say except that I am looking forward to the fall now and am optimistic about the future. I hope you are all doing well and if some of you are having a rough summer as some of you are lots of love to you and I’ll stand by you through it. I hope to see people soon, as school is restarting in a few weeks. (Hugs)

~Jen~

P.s. Completely Random Internet Image that is super unrelated!!!!!!!!

Why on earth would someone put his or her dog into a hello kitty blouse?

I did that as an ode to the new Harry Potter which I have yet to read. Oooo I love Dumbledore he is awesome.

You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering. Albus Dumbledore 100% Harry Potter 75% Ginny Weasley 75% Hermione Granger 75% Remus Lupin 65% Ron Weasley 60% Severus Snape 50% Draco Malfoy 45% Sirius Black 45% Lord Voldemort 10% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com